cover letter first draft

Kendra Braga

May 3, 2010

Dr. Howard Tinberg

English 11

Cover Letter for Final Portfolio

First Draft

The pieces I have chosen for my portfolio are: “Essay of Application,” “Parking Proposal,” and the “Article Annotation.” I have also included the first and second drafts of each with the comments that were posted on the blog.

For “Essay of Application” we had to write a formal response to a writing prompt that was either given in the text book on page 146, or given on a college website. The prompt had to be included in the paper so that readers would have a better understanding of the writer’s position. The essay was to be 350- 500 words in length and had to clearly convey the ideas of the applicant. The writer was to consider their purpose for writing the paper and to whom the paper is written for. They had to give evidence to support the writer’s position and also show that they understood the topic. The essay needed to clearly answer the prompt given to them so that the reader clearly understood the paper. The essay had to have some sort of organization to it while being persuasive and grabbing the reader’s attention.

I chose this piece because it was one that I feel passionate about seeing that going to India was an event that changed my life. I like it because it has good description elements in it can grab the reader’s attention. It is one of my longest pieces of writing, but while reading it I feel like it’s one of my shortest. I also like it because it shows that I am engaged with the topic. Usually when the writer is engaged with their topic, the reader can feel more acquainted with it as well. I think it appropriately answers the question of how an experience has changed my view on the topic.

The major changes from the rough drafts to this final piece were definitely trimming the paper down and making it more focused. In the first draft, it was a compare and contrast paper; in the second draft, it didn’t answer the question as properly as it should have In my final draft I cut out some of the unnecessary details and focused more on answering the question than telling the story. I told the story, but also related it to how my perception on homelessness and the poor has changed. I also feel that my third draft is clearer as to how I view America. My first draft sounded almost like I didn’t like America, which was not my intent, however I changed it to make it so that I wasn’t blaming America for anything, rather I was contrasting the two cultures.

In the assignment for the proposal, we were to identify an issue, locally or within the school, and find a solution for the problem. The topic should have been of some importance to the writer and the writer should have some evidence showing why it is an issue. The paper should have been 3 pages in length describing an issue and formulating a solution. There had to be an analysis of the costs and benefits of the change. There should be a clear thesis and a practical solution. The benefits should have been stated clearly in the paper and presented in a logically persuasive manner.

I chose my “Parking Proposal” because it had a clear problem stated in it. I included input from other students and faculty members so that I could provide some evidence that I’m not the only one who thinks it’s an issue, and everyone can benefit from one more parking lot. I have an analysis of costs and the benefits of my solution are stated clearly.

Major changes that I have made include providing more evidence to support the problem. I got input from students and faculty and included it in my final drafts. I made it clear that students often cannot find a parking spot at all unless they get there early in the morning or after three o’clock pm. I eliminated the college’s rapid growth because I couldn’t find any solid evidence to support that bit of information.

For the “Article Annotation” assignment students were to critically read a scholarly article and pick out any important information that would contribute to properly analyzing an article. The first line or two should contain the full bibliography for the article we read. There should be two paragraphs. The first should be a summary of the scholarly article, and the second should be a personal evaluation of the article describing what you thought about the article, not the subject (focus on the article.) This would include talking about the credibility of the author and article, what audience is the article speaking to, what is the purpose for the article, and what was the author’s bias? Also, the evaluation should include the extensiveness/ detail of the article, when it was published, and how credible the journal is.

I chose this piece because out of the 5, this was one of my better ones. I properly give a summary of the article and my evaluation focuses on the article rather than how I feel about the subject. I think that the evaluation is good and it is written well, showing that I have a good understanding of the article.

Major changes that I have made to my paper was making a stronger evaluation to show that I understood the article. I have not completed my final draft; however, for my final draft, I plan on including more about the author and talking about the article’s credibility.

For the final piece included in this portfolio, we had to pick a trend and describe how it has an effect on society. There should be solid evidence to show that this change has effected society over the past decade. There should be a clear thesis that identifies the trend. There should also be use of research, statistics, and facts to support the thesis. The paper should discuss the causes and effects of the trend and give personal opinion to the causes and effects. There should be at least 2 scholarly sources and may include interviews and other outside sources.

I chose my paper on “Drunk Driving Trend from 2000-2009” because it communicates the problem clearly to the reader. I use statistics and evidence to support the thesis. It also has the basic ideas down and is focused on the topic. It is a broad topic, but as the paper goes on, it narrows out.

This course has helped me become a more focused writer. I usually focus on the small details such as grammar and sentence structure, but this class has helped me focus on the big picture. It has also helped my become a more critical reader. I’m not a pro, but now I know what to look for when I’m reading so that my writing can be stronger.

“Parking Proposal” Final Draft

Kendra Braga

May 3, 2010

Dr. Howard Tinberg

English 11

“Parking Proposal”

Final Draft

Finding a decent parking spot in a lot can be an easy task, but more often than not, a good parking spot is har d to find; especially on a college campus. At Bristol Community College, parking can become a challenge. In the morning, I’m sure that there is plenty of parking spaces available, but as the day progresses, students often can not find a parking spot at all unless they arrive after three o’ clock.

There are parking spots for “the teacher of the month” that are often empty while there are students scrounging around for a parking spot; there are often vacant spots where the students with parking permits can park; there are parking spaces along Elsbree Street which are deceiving. With many signs clarifying that “there should be no parking in between signs” there are no specifications as to which signs. While there are several parking lots at BCC, there are also many students.

After many students complained, the conclusion made is that the way to solve a problem like this is simply building another parking lot. Many students have commented on not being able to find a parking spot; not even in the most distant lots! Jacob, a Bristol Community College student, said, “Trying to find a parking spot at BCC is miserable! They should really build another parking lot.” Professor Sheehan, a Bristol Community College professor, also complained about the parking at BCC saying, “Parking at BCC is becoming harder and harder. They should build another parking lot to provide more areas to park.” Not only do students complain about parking on the BCC campus, but teachers also find it to be an issue. This may sound like a fix easier said than done, but it will be a change that will most certainly better the school.

There are constantly many students trafficking in and out of BCC. Lots 3 and 4 can be expanded towards the college, giving students more room to park. Students who actually have a parking permit will have more reserved spots to park their car, thus giving the students an incentive to buying a parking permit as well. To go a bit further, students can be obligated to purchase a parking ticket at ten dollars each. This would raise approximately sixty-nine thousand dollars to put towards building the new parking lot (Bristol Community College).

After looking at several building companies, a researcher would conclude that the average cost of a project like this one would cost about sixty thousand dollars for a lot with one hundred to one hundred and fifty parking spaces; depending on the company that builds it. Different companies are willing to work out different prices as long as the project is big enough and worth the bargain. One hundred extra parking spaces alone will be a big help! This will be a good investment because students will be spending less time looking for parking space, and they will have more time to get to their class without being late!

Sources Consulted

"Bristol Community College." Bristol Community College: Information, Academics, Admissions. 2010. Web. 4 Apr. 2010. .

Post write:

I feel pretty good about my proposal. I think I know what I want to say and I put it out there well. I think I get my ideas across strongly and the audience will understand my issue with the parking situation at BCC.

“Lend a Helping Hand” Essay for Application FINAL DRAFT

Kendra Braga

Dr. Howard Tinberg

English 11

May 3, 2010

“Lend a Helping Hand”

Essay for Application

Final Draft

____________________________________________________

Prompt:

Describe a personal experience that has profoundly changed your perspective on an issue of regional, national, or international importance. In what way has this event impacted your previous perspective? How will it change your approach to the issue (or similar issues) in the future?

____________________________________________________

America. The land of the free, and home of the brave; sweet land of liberty, and home sweet home to millions of people. When people think of America, they think of the said things and more. They think of the statue of liberty, or the American flag; but most of all, when people from outside peer into this beautiful home we call America, they see freedom and a better life. What they do not see is the bad that is in the country. In cities, there are many homeless people walking the streets and women selling themselves to make ends meet. They don’t see the children that are orphaned and put into foster care. The don’t see the people who work so hard to put food on the table, rather, they see the businessmen doing well. That is the life they think of when they think of America. Many U.S. citizens do not pay much attention to these things either, until they are exposed to something else. Although the United States has this, they are still better off than many other countries. Like many others, the American life is all I knew until I was fourteen years old. In 2007, I went on a trip to India and that changed the way I look at life, here in the States and out in the world, forever.

The mission for this trip to India was to visit thirteen orphanages and what I expected was to go help people and make a difference in their lives; however, I experienced something different. While India certainly has its beauty, it also has much poverty. Everywhere there are beggars, abandoned children, and tarp homes. There is a class system embedded into the culture so much that there is clear distinction between the high, middle, and low classes. One image that is burned into my mind is the sight of a rich man’s house with a fence around it, and just feet away were the slums. However, in the midst of all this poverty and sadness, there are people: people who love each other; people who know what it means to stick together through thick and thin; people who can make anyone feel welcome in their home.

I can never forget the first feelings upon arrival in Hyderabad, India. First impressions were made by merely breaking the atmosphere. The smell was putrid. It was something I have never smelled before. After getting off the plane, I immediately noticed that nobody was alone. Everyone was someone. This was striking because it showed me that they understand the concept of unity. There was always a mother with her child, or a sister taking care of her younger brother, or a father going to work with a co-worker. There is a genuine sense of unity and care among the Indian people.

Although Americans see homeless people, they are not accustomed to seeing beggars or abandoned children right outside their door. It is simply unheard of. The beggars in India sit on a street corner in a fetal position with an outstretched hand, waiting for a coin, or some food to fall into the palm of their hand. In the same way, the helpless children repeat these gestures, hoping that one day they will receive the expected result. Walking by them broke my heart. There is only so much one person can do. I was fourteen years old with just enough money to get me through the two weeks of my stay, therefore, I did not have much to offer. We were in India primarily to visit orphans; thus, that’s what I was prepared for.

The first thing I noticed in the orphanages was the joy illuminating the children’s faces. They had nearly nothing, yet were content with their metal beds and small, possession boxes. These orphans showed me that “stuff” does not bring happiness; rather, happiness comes through contentment in the heart. Many times the things people get so caught up in can be a distraction from what is really important, such as spending time with loved ones or going out of your way to lend a helping hand.

The children also showed me that appropriately prioritizing the things in life is important. Family is one of their top priorities. There are many orphans in these orphanages accompanied by their siblings. Even though they don’t have much, they still care for one another no matter how difficult the circumstance may be.

These are just a few of the things that I learned when I went to India. Coming back gave me a new outlook on what geo on right here in the United states. What I once overlooked became a clear issue to me and I now want to do something to help the community. This eye opening experience made me want to make a difference wherever I am; whether it be in America or out in a third world country. There is a need everywhere. India helped me realize that even the smallest of things can make a world of a difference to someone else. I realized that merely buying someone a coffee or saying hi to someone on the street can put a smile on their face, and I can practice these little things right here at home. I would like to take what I have learned through this experience and become a nurse so that I can do what I really want to do. Help those in need. I want people to experience care even if it is just for a short time.

Post Write

1)I am content with my final draft. I think I have developed my point in that going to India gave me a new perspective on the world. I added more explanation in the conclusion to hopefully give the reader a better understanding of my position.

2)At this point, there’s nothing I can do to change it!

3)Is my point as clear as you wanted it to be?

Trend draft 2

Kendra Braga

Dr. Howard Tinberg

English 11

May 2, 2010

“Drunk Driving Fatalities from 2000-2009”

Second Draft

Whether it be returning home from a late night shift or just leaving a friend’s house in order to make curfew, there are many innocent drivers, young and old, on the road. Although no one ever expects to fall victim to a drunk driving fatality, it happens when they least expect it; and more often than not, those who are sober are usually the ones to feel it the most. Unfortunately, most drunk drivers disregard the safety of others as soon as they decide to start the engine of their motor vehicle. Drunk drivin

g is clearly an important issue seeing that it kills thousands of people each year. According to National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, drunk driving has steadily decreased over the past decade.

This is a photograph of a fatal car wreck which involved 4 young people. The driver and passenger were males and the other two were females. The driver picked two girls up at a party, however he himself was already intoxicated. While they were on the highway, the police reported that they were traveling at about one hundred and twenty miles per hour when they hit a semi-truck. The unbuckled driver died instantly and the girl behind him also died four day later. Fortunately the other two passengers survived (“Car Accident Attorneys”). There are thousands of stories like this one, and unfortunately many people disregard it as irrelevant without realizing that these crashes can have a fatal effect on not only themselves, but everyone else around them.

Although gender is not usually considered when people think of alcohol related crashes, studies show that women age nineteen to twenty four are more at risk of getting into an accident than men are ("More Young Women Killed...”). Up until the late 1990’s, these stories were heard more with male drivers, but once female drivers got more familiarized with the idea, they began to carry on those habits as well (“2000 Drunk Driving Statistics”). Researchers see an increase of women intoxicated drivers, but there was also an increase in teenage drunk drivers. In the early two thousands, there was an increase in driving under the influence; however, this number decreased by two thousand and nine (“2000 Drunk Driving Statistics”). This could have been because there were new laws coming into effect and awareness also grew, causing people to be more cautious about the issue.

An average of fifteen thousand people in America died each year due to alcohol related crashes. Each year the number varied between thirteen and seventeen thousand (Drunk Driving Statistics”). Fortunately people are raising awareness and more people are realizing that drunk driving not only involves risking one’s own life, but also the lives of everyone else around. Although the number has dropped since the year two thousand, there are still thousands of people dying from fatal car crashes. This number should continue to decrease as more laws are being enforced and people feel compelled to change.

Post write:

1) I feel that I have some of my thoughts and everything fits together, but I’m missing a big piece. For my third draft I plan on researching more and finding the missing link.

I need to get more research and finish putting the ideas together. I need to find more evidence to support my main idea in that the number has decreased.

Should I give actual statistics or should I just vaguely reference them?

Is the paper too broad? Should I narrow it down?

Sources Consulted

1) "Drunk Driving Statistics." Talking Bar Breathalyzer Helps Prevent Drunk Driving. Web. 03 May 2010. .

2) "More young women killed in alcohol-related car accidents: researchers call for gender-specific counter measures to drink-driving." Nursing Standard 24.30 (2010): 16. General OneFile. Web. 2 May 2010.

3) Tony. "DUI, DWI, OUI Driving Accidents, Accident Fatal, Death : Pictures and Photos." Car Accident, Auto Accidents, Accident, Car Crash, Lawyers, Attorneys, Wrecks, Articles,Traffic, News, Collisions, Crashed. Web. 03 May 2010.

"Trends First Draft"

Kendra Braga

Dr. Howard Tinberg

English 11

April 26, 2010

“Drunk Driving Fatalities from 2000-2009”

First Draft

According to National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, the trend of drunk driving fatalities has decreased over the past 10 years.

2000- Out of all car crashes, 8% were alcohol related.

Out of all fatal car crashes, 40% involved alcohol.

Approximately 310,000 people were injured in alcohol related car crashes.

Of 12,892 people killed in such crashes, 69% were the drivers. The rest were

not intoxicated.

2001- Out of all car crashes, 7% involved alcohol.

Of all fatal car crashes, 41% involved alcohol. 6% of these crashes involved a

pedestrian.

Approximately 275,000 people were injured in alcohol related car crashes.

About 17,448 people were fatally injured in car crashes that involved drunk

driving.

2002- 41% of fatal crashes involved alcohol.

Out of 17,419 people killed in alcohol related accidents, 12,394 were drivers;

making 82% of these deaths the drivers. 4% were under the influence, and the

remaining 14% were sober.

2003- 40% of crashes involved alcohol.

17,013 people were killed in alcohol related crashes.

Of the 17,013 people killed in these crashes, 14,630 of them were intoxicated.

2004- Out of 42,518 fatalities, 16,694 involved alcohol.

39% of all fatalities were alcohol related.

248,000 people were injured in alcohol related crashes.

2005- 39% of car wrecks involved alcohol.

16,885 fatalities were alcohol related.

Of the 16,885 who died, 14,539 were actually intoxicated.

21% of kids that were killed in motor vehicle accidents were in alcohol related

crashes.

2006- 37% of all motor vehicle accidents were alcohol related.

13,470 fatalities involved an intoxicated driver.

15,387 was the total number of alcohol related fatalities in 2006.

8,200 of the drunk drivers had a BAC of .15 or higher.

2007- Of 41,059 total fatalities, 15,387 of them involved alcohol.

That’s 37% of motor vehicle accidents.

2008- 37,261 people died in alcohol related motor vehicle accidents.

32% of all fatalities involved alcohol.

Four people under the age of 21 died every day due to alcohol related car

wrecks.

2009- 37,261 people died in alcohol related car wrecks.

This accounts for 32% of all traffic deaths.

Four people under 21 die each day due to DUI drivers.

Annotation of Article draft 2

Kendra Braga

English 11

Dr Howard Tinberg

4/18/2010

Annotation for “Bowhead Whales, and not Right Whales, were the primary target of 16th- to 17th- century Basque whalers in the western North Atlantic,”

In this article, the author focuses on the issue of whaling in the 16th/17th century. It is said that the the Right Whale was the primary target for the whalers in that time period; however, McLeod gives evidence as to why they were not, and it was actually the Bowhead whale that was the target whale species. Whalers were out to get oil, but little that they knew, they were killing the majority of the whales. In these 200 years, Basque whalers killed roughly 25,000- 40,000 whales including both species, leaving both Right Whales and Bowhead Whales endangered.

The article gives a reader a different perspective on the issue. What I once thought wasn’t that big of a deal, is now a clear issue. 40,000 whales is a lot to kill; especially when they are a slow reproducing species. It’s also interesting to see that et whales migrate according to sex and age. The whalers quickly caught onto this. The author provided solid evidence to his thesis. He described the methods that were used in finding which whale species was the primary target and this is what gave the article it’s validity.

Post write:

I’m not sure whether my summary is too vague or too specific. However, I think I get the main idea across. I added some thought to the evaluation, so I think it’s better than before.

I think my summary needs some work. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I feel like it’s not complete.

Should I be less specific in my summary?

Article Annotation draft 1

Kendra Braga

English 11

Dr Howard Tinberg

4/15/2010

Annotation for “Bowhead Whales, and not Right Whales, were the primary target of 16th- to 17th- century Basque whalers in the western North Atlantic,”

In this article, the author focuses on the issue of whaling in the 16th/17th century. It is said that the the Right Whale was the primary target for the whalers in that time period; however, McLeod gives evidence as to why they were not. It was actually the Bowhead whale that was the target whale species. Whalers were out to get oil, but little that they knew, they were killing the majority of the whales. In these 200 years, Basque whalers killed roughly 25,000- 40,000 whales including both species, leaving both Right Whales and Bowhead Whales endangered.

The article gives a reader a different perspective on the issue. What I once thought wasn’t that big of a deal, is now a clear issue. 40,000 whales is a lot to kill; especially when they are a slow reproducing species. It’s also interesting to see that et whales migrate according to sex and age. The whalers quickly caught onto this.

Post write:

So far I like the summary. I think I got the general idea of the article in the first paragraph.

I need to work on my evaluation.

Should I include more in my summary?

How can I make my evaluation stronger?